


Change is Constant

by charmainders



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Memories, Minor Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Minor Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Minor Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Pining, Reminiscing, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:34:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27325108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmainders/pseuds/charmainders
Summary: "When did it all change?"He doesn’t have a direct answer - not really. He knows he’s always been in love with Daichi, never once did it fade. The love was always there for him, always ignited like a bonfire, doused with fuel at times when Daichi playfully flirted with him as a joke; but sweet like the strawberry jam he loves and has at least two jars of in his house drawers. The feeling is like the coming of spring sometimes - mild, sweet, full of joy, but then at times it feels like the coming of winter instead - in the face, strong, and sometimes it fills him with gloom.
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	Change is Constant

**Author's Note:**

> > _I believe I'll be over you._
>> 
>> haikyuu angst week, november first, day one tier three: _"When did it all change?"_
> 
> trigger warnings in place for: mild mentions of internalized homophobia and alcohol. 

The bar is crowded tonight, with everyone in their circle of friends gathering for a reunion. What started out as a simple team Karasuno fifth-year reunion had expanded to include many of the other teams within Miyagi, as well as some of the other friends they’ve made since the Tokyo training camp, including those from Nekoma and Furkurodani. The bar was basically booked and filled with everyone Suga could recognize, even if some weren’t extremely familiar faces, he still greeted them in passing and interacted with them, talked about how life was going. He could hear Bokuto and Kuro’s wild laughter, could hear Hinata’s loud chattering, as well as Tanaka and Noya’s voices talking about some volleyball match. Everyone was drinking, having too much, shouting, dancing and letting loose in this space.

It was a rare chance to see everyone again, considering everyone was busy doing something with their lives, now - Suga was busy being a teacher, educating the first and second graders; he loved the job more than anyone. It made him feel like he was doing something good, something to give back to society. But still, even after all these years, he still feels a pit of loneliness in his heart, somewhere deep in the shadows as it looms; it hurts sometimes to think about. His brain goes fuzzy at times, and it feels like he shuts down on days that he thinks that he's got himself together. He’s got his focus on something in particular, in the distance, not far from where he sat at the bar. 

He watches quietly as Daichi talks to the others at another part of the bar, discussing work with Bokuto and Kuro. Even if it’s eleven in the evening and the bar is dimly lit with only fairy lights and lowly lit lanterns and he can feel a bit of the alcohol settling in, his eyes fall on the dark head of hair, the way his jaw sets when the boys tease him about something, and how he laughs with the brightest smile on his cheeks even if Suga can only see his face from the side. It’s enough to make him smile a little to himself and his stomach to turn ever so slightly. 

Suga has his back against the bar top, right leg over his left as the rest of the night stretches on. He has nowhere to be in the morning, his apartment is empty; doesn’t think anyone will let him leave this early, so he just sits there. Even if someone thinks he’s uncharacteristically quiet, he’s perfectly fine with being here in the silence. He’s grown to love it over time, letting his thoughts stir as he sits quietly by himself, stir into some monstrosity of overthinking and without a return route to simplicity.

Maybe it’s the alcohol, but he can feel his senses heighten and he’s more aware. Especially now, when he can sense that someone has slipped into the seat beside him, none other than Oikawa himself. The nuisance, but his presence is really not unwelcome. If anything, Suga likes having someone around. Someone loud to fill the empty void in his heart.

“Why are you not out there having fun?” Oikawa asks after a few minutes of sitting in silence, body turned to him as he holds a glass of red wine in his free hand. Suga knows this is a genuine question because there’s no smirk on his face, and he can see the question marks in his eyes light up. Suga tries to think of some stupid answer, but before he can reply, Oikawa speaks again. “Is it because of someone?”

Suga nearly chokes at the brutal honesty, but he shrugs in an attempt to seem okay. Oikawa knew about it, he didn't have to hide anything with the other. Oikawa kept secrets fairly well; the only person he ever really told was Iwaizumi. “You could...you could say that.” he laughs under his breath, taking another long shot of the whiskey in his glass, humming appreciatively at the bartender as he fills another glass. “I know I shouldn’t be so closed off, considering we ever hardly get to see the team, with Hinata and Kageyama always overseas or busy with their teams, but perhaps I’m just...running away from things.”

In a rare moment of what felt like empathy, Oikawa’s hand falls on Suga’s shoulder, patting it and squeezing it. Sometimes Oikawa had his moments of comfort, too, and with the years of being apart from Iwaizumi definitely did come the maturity, too. Both of them, as far as Suga knew, had a difficult time working things out, didn’t want to do their first-year long-distance - but over time, they worked it out, learnt how to accommodate to each other's schedules and soon they were like any other couple, now four going on five years together. Suga was jealous, often teasing them both about it, but the jealousy wasn’t about the relationship.

“You don’t have to run away from it.” he hears the other boy say, and he takes another long sip of his drink while smiling. As he takes the sip, he watches Daichi on the floor, clumsily dancing with Bokuto while Kuro took videos of them with his hyena laughter - it was funny to watch them be as casual as they were, considering they used to be captains, and seeing the once uptight Daichi be as childish like this was something rare. It was usually Suga being like this.

Suga leans over on his friend’s shoulder to comfort his tender heart, and Oikawa doesn’t mind it. 

Things fall silent again before anyone speaks.

_“When did it all change?”_

* * *

_He doesn’t have a direct answer - not really._ He knows he’s always been in love with Daichi, never once did it fade. The love was always there for him, always ignited like a bonfire, doused with fuel at times when Daichi playfully flirted with him as a joke as friends; but sweet like the strawberry jam that he loves and has at least two jars of in his kitchen drawers. The feeling is like the coming of spring sometimes - mild, sweet, full of joy, but then at times it feels like the coming of winter instead - in the face, strong, and sometimes it fills him with gloom. Sometimes it even felt spicy, filling Suga with all the wrong ideas that takes a painfully cold shower to remove.

Suga doesn’t remember _when_ clearly. All he knows is that Daichi had always been the perfect person for him, his subject of affection because the two boys were consistently attached at the hip and never separated from each other. Daichi had always been there, consoling, affectionate, always giving advice. Daichi knew everything about Suga, and the reverse was true. He knew how Daichi liked his shoyu ramen a little saltier and Daichi knows how Suga likes his mapo tofu to be excessively spicy. He knew the minor details too. It wasn’t hard to understand why his body just craved to fit into Daichi’s, wanting to learn how to hold Daichi’s hand in a manner that is so gentle and loving. 

But he knows. Suga knows that liking a boy like this was a concept some couldn’t comprehend, and sometimes Suga himself wasn’t sure about his feelings, and as much as he hated it, he didn’t want a confession about his sexuality to be the end of their friendship. So he held back, more often than not, to keep their friendship together, just to enjoy the moments of bliss and simplicity. He kept thoughts about his love for Daichi at an arm’s length.

* * *

_“Third-year high school.”_ Suga whispers, still watching Daichi even if his view is tilted as he leans on Oikawa's shoulder, just observing the others. As the songs slowed, he watched as some of the couples, the more affectionate ones, find their partners and just held each other in dance. He could distinctively see Noya and Asahi in their own little spot hugging each other and dressed in matching outfits; Kiyoko and Tanaka laughing at each others’ quiet jokes; Hinata with his arms around Kageyama’s neck as they swayed carefully, spending their lost time apart from each other just in the simple motion of song and dance.

Suga’s heart ached, thinking about all the dances, songs, and all the nights he could have had with Daichi. He loved Daichi, still did, always will. Daichi holds a special place in his heart, the one space that could never be removed by anything. He has tried drowning it out with work, with life, with everything including alcohol. But nothing could stop his heart from wanting to just try and touch Daichi, tell him that he desperately wants him and just to kiss his lips, let the worries of the world and society melt away, has wanted to drunk text Daichi on so many nights. So what if society couldn’t accept them? If they had each other, it would be fine, right?

 _Third-year high school._ He knows it wasn’t long ago, but even if Suga tries not to remember it, he does. And he knows Oikawa is still waiting for Suga to tell him the story, but he contemplates how to avoid being too detailed with all the crying.

* * *

_“Suga?”_

The elder boy turned his head to look at Daichi, smiling, letting his lips curl just so that his smile is welcoming enough for whatever was on the others’ mind. He waits patiently.

“Are you afraid? Of the future?” he asks, and Suga raises a brow, but encourages him to carry on. “I mean, everyone knows where they’re going, but even if I know I’m gonna be going out to finish my studies in fine arts, I’m not sure if where I’m going is right for me.”

Suga moves closer and lets their shoulders bump playfully. “It’s okay to not know.” he laughs, “I’m not sure if education is the right route for me, either. But you never know unless you try right?”

“Yeah, I just…” both of them glance out to the rest as they run wild; Hinata’s bright orange locks flowing against the wind as the team plays in the last of the winter snow on the courtyard, a distance from where the two of them sat with their sports drinks, “I’m just afraid to go out there. Leave Miyagi.”

He knows how Daichi feels - change always happens, it’s a constant, but he feels scared sometimes too. Their symbols were crows, and crows were constantly flying to change their horizon, to see what was at the top, but Suga, more often than not, felt comfortable with where he was. He didn’t want things to change. He liked it here, where things felt familiar, where his friends were familiar faces. 

Most of all, his constant was always Daichi, because he always sought comfort in knowing his best friend was always going to be there. 

**_Can I come back? I'm so nervous and hesitant, what should I do?_ **  
**_Already familiar applause and warm memories; can I really leave it behind and go down?_ **

“I am, too.” Suga nods, letting the laughter from the juniors fill the air as the two seniors sat by themselves on the steps, just watching. These days it felt like everything was moving too quick, full speed ahead; he just wants it to slow again. _But change is always constant._

Suga realizes then, as he looks at the slowly setting sun at six in the evening on a particularly cold winter day, that if he wanted to adapt to change and move on, then he would have to learn to let go and let things change for him. If he held onto the past, then what was the point of growing up? He watches how the snow catches onto Daichi's hair, how the boy naturally reaches to dust it off with a small glimmer of interest in the snowfall. 

“But, Daichi,” he speaks up, trying not to sound choked from the sudden tightness in his throat and hiding the tears at the corners of his eyes, “If we want to become better, learn the world and grow up, then we have to learn to adapt to change, too.” he offers a tiny, soft smile to offer some comfort. It’s not the most genuine; he’s trying to fight back tears after all as he realizes the horrifying reality of his own words - letting Daichi go.

Suga coughs and tries to shake the thoughts away, so he doesn’t seem like he’s about to have a breakdown. “Things change plans change, people change. But as long as we stay the same as we adapt to life, then I guess we’re more than ready for it.” 

Daichi laughs at their conversation, wiping at his sweat and offering gentle pats on Suga’s shoulder. “I guess that’s one way to think about it.” he gets to his feet, and offers his hand to Suga, helping him up and giving a small hug. It almost makes Suga tear up and wish he could just cry it all out, but he holds it in and scoffs. 

“We’ll still be friends, I know.” Suga teases the ever sentimental Daichi, punching his shoulder when they let go. _“Just promise me…”_ he lifts his right hand, offering his pinky. “That when we meet again, be it after a year, two years, three...that you’ll still be the same person that I met in first-year high school.”

Daichi returns the gesture, linking their pinkies. _“I promise. And you do the same for me, too.”_ he grins, like two kids at the playground, making a pact, forming an alliance in a game of tag. Suga feels comforted in the familiarity of Daichi’s smile, but he knows that in time, he’ll have to learn to stop wanting and craving Daichi, or it’ll only hurt him. In that moment, Suga holds dear to his heart the image of a smiling, bright Daichi, eyes wrinkled and curled into tiny crescents, wind blowing against their cheeks, but his hand feels warm from the small gesture. He commits the image of Daichi to memory, keeping it locked forever in his heart. He remembers every bit of Daichi's features, wants to kiss his cheeks even if they're salty with sweat. He enjoys the last few snowfalls watching Daichi smile like that, bright and almost like the sun. He commits it _all_ to memory, like a polaroid that's slowly developing.

* * *

**_Everything finds its place and leaves, you took all of me and left;_ **  
**_but like the two hands of the clock in my heart, I keep lingering in the same place;_ **  
**_I believe I'll be over you._ **

Oikawa gives him another look of empathy as the story ends, taking his glass and offering a toast to Suga. “Well...time waits for nobody.” he starts, “All of us learn to move on and eventually you will, too. At least that's what I want to believe, but I won’t blame you if you don’t or aren't able to. Love is weird like that. Time heals the broken hearted, but sometimes it only makes the yearning grow more.” he teases, and Suga giggles about it, taking his own glass and returning the toast before he takes the shot of remaining whiskey in his glass. The time on the clock reads midnight. Still too early to leave the party, but Suga will take whatever he can get there.

He’s still the same person Daichi knows even after all these years - bright, loud, obnoxious, annoying at times, but still caring and encouraging as he ever was. Teaching first and second graders have taken a toll on his energy at times, but for the most part, Suga is still as lively as he used to be.

Suga watches Daichi as the music goes from romantic to pop, and laughs to himself when Daichi dances awkwardly beside everyone else. He’s still painfully awkward, but his charisma and laughter is enough to make up for it, and he knows that’s why Daichi was selected for captain all those years ago. He remembers every one of Daichi’s smiles, nose scrunches, little gestures of care and furrowed brows. He knows and remembers how his voice still lingers in his mind somewhere, like a record player on loop, and he can remember how exciting it is to watch Daichi play on the court beside him. He wonders if Daichi still remembers that day, out in the snow, as they held pinkies; wonders if Daichi ever committed that memory to his mind, keeps that moment in his heart forever. He wonders if Daichi is still the same person as he used to be, but he _knows_ Daichi will always be the person he met on the first day in freshman year. 

“You wanna go out there and dance? Night’s still young and Iwaizumi might be looking for me.” Oikawa gestures to the messy crowd dancing to the endless upbeat tracks, and Suga nods as he's taken out of his thoughts. Maybe for tonight, he can learn to forget, even if it’s just _one_ night. 

Maybe just tonight. He’ll learn to forget, get over the feeling of longing that’s in his chest that stirs and threatens to explode and ignite fiercely again; he'll learn to move on and find someone else to love. _But who was he kidding?_ As he danced the rest of his night away, drinking to his heart's content, he tries not to think of Daichi. It’s nice to let loose, and for once, he does actually forget about the ache in his heart, the ache in his chest, the voice in his mind that draws him closer everyday to texting Daichi and confessing. He learns to forget for a bit. And as much as he doesn’t want to forget anymore, he enjoys it for now. Even if change happens, he knows his heart will remain the same in the years to come.

**_I believe I’ll be over you._ **

fin.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm still fairly new to the fandom, so being able to take part in an angst fest where i can let my writing flourish is nothing short of an honour! thank you to the people organizing this and i hope this piece is good for a first day submission. I'll be writing more and i hope you'll enjoy reading it and tell me if you cried or at least stirred some emotion!!
> 
> follow me on twitter for updates! @/SUGAWARAVITY
> 
> the two songs used are _stairs in the north_ by gfriend and _11:11_ by taeyeon.
> 
> xx char.


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